for you (i'm sorry)

something suddenly became clear to me while i was attempting to read for school and of course my random thoughts usually take precedent. plus, any excuse not to learn more law is good enough for me.

i got to thinking about the universe and circumstances. why is it that some people constantly find themselves in shitty situations? why are some people always coming out winning? the answer: because they want to be.

i mean, are we really supposed to believe that its all just random chaos? psshh. not a chance. because theres just no chance that there are some who are luckier than others, or some that are worse off (this is speaking in the greatest metaphorical sense: obviously someone who lives in a slum in cambodia is worse off than your average joe). no, i've decided that we MAKE our circumstances. everything we do, everything we've done, has gotten us where we are right at this moment.

when i think about my life and the places its led me to, when i think about the times i've despaired or the times i've been completely and utterly enthralled with life, i realize its all just a framework for today. today is all that matters. so if today sucked, thats okay. if today was awesome, even better.

there's always tomorrow.

to do list

so you say you wanna write more? now's your chance.

a funny thing's been happening to me lately, something catherine says occurs only when i have finals. there are no finals, i'm in a foreign country, and my fucking head is spinning.

and i don't know why.

perhaps its because my head is the very thing i cant seem to get out of. i feel this constant state of anxiety, where i'm obsessing about not having enough time, not knowing what i wanna do, and am i drinking too much? i'm definitely smoking too much. yeesh.

see, the novelty of being somewhere new has started to wear off. i properly live in buenos aires now. i even have residency. huge. i've set into a routine, with deadlines and articles and classes and tests. TADA! the proverbial light bulb switches on: nicole HATES order. only chaos makes me feel sane.

and yes, i am freaking out about that realization as well.

you see, coming here was meant to be a period of growth and self-realization. and boy has it been: i'm starting to realize that i'm just a little bit crazy. a whirlwind of passion, drugs and alcohol. disorganized, often sloppy, and just a touch too loud. i don't think-i just do. and the thing is, i've always been this way and perhaps have gotten a bit better about not involving others in my locuras, and i'm sorry to say but..

i like it.

yup, that's right. i've decided the only way to stop freaking out about all the things i don't do or all the things i do wrong is to embrace the fact that that's just ME. i run into things and i'm exceptionally late and i always manage to make a mess at the dinner table. i should never have had that last drink and i pick all the wrong men, but man was it worth it to combine the two. my room is messy, i'm bad with money, and fuck me i forgot yet again. the most important thing to remember here is that i'm doing just fine.

hell, i'm better than fine.