to do list

so you say you wanna write more? now's your chance.

a funny thing's been happening to me lately, something catherine says occurs only when i have finals. there are no finals, i'm in a foreign country, and my fucking head is spinning.

and i don't know why.

perhaps its because my head is the very thing i cant seem to get out of. i feel this constant state of anxiety, where i'm obsessing about not having enough time, not knowing what i wanna do, and am i drinking too much? i'm definitely smoking too much. yeesh.

see, the novelty of being somewhere new has started to wear off. i properly live in buenos aires now. i even have residency. huge. i've set into a routine, with deadlines and articles and classes and tests. TADA! the proverbial light bulb switches on: nicole HATES order. only chaos makes me feel sane.

and yes, i am freaking out about that realization as well.

you see, coming here was meant to be a period of growth and self-realization. and boy has it been: i'm starting to realize that i'm just a little bit crazy. a whirlwind of passion, drugs and alcohol. disorganized, often sloppy, and just a touch too loud. i don't think-i just do. and the thing is, i've always been this way and perhaps have gotten a bit better about not involving others in my locuras, and i'm sorry to say but..

i like it.

yup, that's right. i've decided the only way to stop freaking out about all the things i don't do or all the things i do wrong is to embrace the fact that that's just ME. i run into things and i'm exceptionally late and i always manage to make a mess at the dinner table. i should never have had that last drink and i pick all the wrong men, but man was it worth it to combine the two. my room is messy, i'm bad with money, and fuck me i forgot yet again. the most important thing to remember here is that i'm doing just fine.

hell, i'm better than fine.