shopgirl

yesterday was the kind of day that leaves a mark in your heart, with ideas spilling out of me like water out of a faucet. i spent the day roaming buenos aires with Jessica and Anna, a friend of Jess's from California. She came to stay in buenos aires for about a week before she would continue to travel Peru and Ecuador.

the night before, i had to review a bar in Retiro and i invited them along. after several cocktails we had dinner at Dadá, a bistro in the Microcentro, where we drank and ate to excess before deciding to head back to Palermo for more drinks, which proved to be a terrible idea because the next day I woke up with the worst hangover I have had in months. Determined to make something out of Anna's last day in Buenos Aires, we finally ripped ourselves out of bed around 2 pm, with a plan to go to La Boca and then the Recoleta market before Fuerza Bruta, round two. of course, being Buenos Aires, we completely changed those plans mid-walk and wound up doing lunch and lesiurely shopping. Nothing about that seems particularly inspiring or even unconventional to the norm, but for some reason ideas were popping in and out of my head all day as i continue to struggle with the question that burns daily in my brain and refuses to blow out, like a trick candle on a birthday cake: "WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?"

I am about 18 credits away from earning a law degree. A degree I did not work that hard for because I decided long ago I did not want to be a lawyer. If I could name the one regret I have in life, it's that I spent the last three years working towards something I truly don't believe I'm going to become. All those years I could have spent writing, I spent studying. I know it's terrible to look back that way and regret, but I just can't help it. At any rate, I am about to graduate which means I'm about to run out of excuses. And that realization has been tickling my nerves and anxiety to the point of terrifying, especially because I am enjoying my time here so much and have no immediate plans to return to the states.

Since I have been here, I've changed my mind most everyday about what I want to do. Some days, I want to open a restaurant. Others, get an art history degree and own a gallery. Sometimes, I step way outside the box and ponder the idea of acting or singing, childhood dreams I never chased because they seemed so unrealistic, but at this point seem worth a shot because there's nothing to lose. Most days, I dream of a writing career, working for newspapers, magazines and the like while writing that life-changing novel. All my friends reading this right now are probably chuckling to themselves and muttering something like "Oh Nic.." but like I've said before, being here has taught me that in order to be happy, you have to be a little crazy. Take a chance. Go against the grain. And since I've pretty much made a career out of challenging what's normal and conventional to most, I figure I'll continue on that path and fuck the rest.

so yesterday, Jessica and I were discussing The Sartorialist, a fashion blog that photographs well-dressed New Yorkers and blogs about their style. Just then, we passed an Argentine girl whose look made me want to spend every cent I had saved on clothes, and in a stroke of genius I said to Jessica: "Oh my god, Jessica! Why don't we start a fashion blog in Buenos Aires?!" Jessica, like me, is living in Buenos Aires indefinitely and has high hopes and big dreams of realizing greatness. Plus, we're soul mates. She erupted immediately with, "Nicole, I have been thinking the same thing!! Can we really do this?" We took the idea and ran with it for the rest of the day, deciding we'd print some cards and start stopping fashionistas on the street immediately. We brainstormed about how we could turn this into a business someday, by generating advertising from local boutiques.

Yes, I know. None of it makes any sense. One day I want this, the next that. But that's not the point of telling you about yesterday's inspirations. The point is that along with yesterday's inspirations came a realization: that life and finding what you want out of it is about trying. trying everything that comes to your brain, that seems like something you'd be good at or could enjoy doing. because until you try, you won't know. and if you try hard enough, eventually you'll find something so unbelievably gratifying, you'll wonder why it took you so long to figure it out.

After Fuerza Bruta, soaking wet and exhausted, Jess and I decided to stay in, order sushi and watch a movie. I don't know why but a movie called Shopgirl popped into my head, a film I had watched years ago when I was living with Joey that I remembered had inspired something in me about finding love. It was something I knew we both needed to watch that day, and the film invoked the same emotions and gave a new hope: that love, in all its forms, be it romantic or career-driven or just love for life, is just around the corner.