a piece of advice

that's meant to be taken rather quite seriously, especially for those of us young bloods who think, or dont think, about the decisions they are making everyday. marriage is one thing, but having a child--that's quite another. and i use this forum to tell you, to beg you, to PLEASE consider that having a child means that everything you say do think feel WILL have an effect on your offspring. they will become crazy. they will be unable to deal with it all. they will struggle, they will cry, they will ruin every good thing they have, all because they hate you. all because you didn't teach them. you didn't love enough or you loved too much and inflicted pain, restrictions, turmoil. because you stayed in an unhappy marriage. because you watched their weight since they were 10 years old. because you never thought they were making good choices. because you always tried to make their choices for them. because you never said you were sorry. because you never trusted them. hell, you never trusted yourself.

and i think thats what i mean here. don't ever have a kid because you wanna play house. don't have a kid because you're bored, dont have a kid because you're christian, don't have a kid unless you are SURE that there is nothing sitting deep inside that you have left to resolve. if you arent sure whether you married the right person, then figure it out. if you wanna see the world, stop making excuses and do it. live. meditate. know yourself. resolve your issues. because maybe its too late for you, maybe its going to be a long road to recovery. but the kid...there's still hope for the unborn child.

(no subject)

yesterday was a rough day for my family. my 99 year old great grandmother, whose dementia and disability has caused her to be a lifeless vegetable for the last 8 years, has gone into hospice. it is a blessing because she needs to rest, but its quite sad to think that this is how we will remember her. i barely recall a time when she was okay. her son, my great-uncle, died of cancer when I was 12, and after that she wasn't the same. death is so difficult. what do we even live for, if in the end you are just a weak piece of shit, praying for darkness? i dont believe in life anymore. i dont believe that anything happens when it ends either, we just cease to exist. am i the only one out there who feels desperately hopeless? someone please say no.

the importance of being earnest & the trouble with being honest

recently the universe has brought to my attention that i can be 'gruff, straightforward and so direct as to create animosity'. Apparently my decisive nature and unforgiving attitude towards the weak and feeble isnt received so well by others. thing is, i can only be me. and yes its true i let things get way under my skin--so deep that i have to purge people and things from my life sometimes. it's confusing whether this is the path to happiness or the road to a lonely life. then again, my elders say the longer you live, the less friends you can count on your fingers. its better to keep no company than bad company, i guess...

similarly i am not oblivious to the fact that my impulsivity often produces a certain shock factor in those present when such calamity hits. only recently have i realized that this power should be used for humoring myself. if i use this weapon correctly, i'll have the pleasure of making others think im a total buffoon, a tactless pariah of society, when all the while i ruffled their oh-so-proper feathers on purpose to have a chuckle. when you think about it really, the only one bothered is them...

slowly but surely my creative inclinations are returning to me. i think the realization that i just dont fit into the ordinary workosphere has lit a fire under my very dormant inner ramblings. happiness is found in the idea of breaking free and i'm so glad to have my love beside me, ready and willing to do the same. to have found this someone, is beyond what my wildest dreams could have imagined....

imminent introductions to follow.

rant

listen
im tired of saying it
so listen very carefully
i am not meant for an office
i am not meant to have a boss
im not someones assistant or someones errand girl
i am a goddamn star
do u understand

i wont let my life pass me by like this

i refuse it. i am destined for greatness

and i wont let money or the fear of failure allow me to keep pursuing such a meaningless life

i believe that the face of society is changing

i hate everyone here

theyre all msierable

theyre all a bunch of kiss-asses

shit talkers

out with it!!!!

goddmanit out with it

i want to completely overhaul my existence

i have become absolutely consumed w things and money again

its the venue i keep putting myself into, this breeding ground for misery and unfulfilled desires

i need to find something else to do with my time

i want to go back to the first time, the first place

so many people hate change, but i'd say i thrive on it. only something new keeps me feeling motivated and excited, and stops me from getting bored. every few months i get the itch to make a life upheaval and i become fixated on making it happen.

just a little bit stoned

on a thursday afternoon and determined to write. mooooooore.

last night i said goodbye to a good friend. yet again.
i think theres something really poetic about goodbyes. i almost prefer them to people just sticking around, because that way whatever you had with that person gets frozen in time and stays perfect forever. people have a way of fucking up their relationships
after a certain period of time i think. not being cynical, just calling it like i see it.

my best friend from grade school and i fought like cats and dogs throughout our childhood. we'd have these big dramatic 'break-ups' that sometimes ended in tears and/or parental involvement, and when the friendship was inevitably fixed it would leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

i feel like a lot of my adult relationships have been the same. there are certain men and women that i can spend all my time with and never feel like i need any space. that's how i felt about my first boyfriend; though after a few years of said inseparability, ended similar to my grade school friendship, including the tears and parental involvement.

last night, ariel left. ariel and i had an interesting relationship because from the second i met her, i saw her as my know-it-all little sister (yes, dara, i know). she's vintage and a babe amd stands firm in her principles, like we all did when we were 22. i try and explain to her how much of a difference it makes being 24 than 22, and she doesnt get it (i didn't either then). sometimes i wanted to kill her but mostly i just wanted her around. i woke up today feeling like something's missing and decided that this time, goodbye fucking sucked.

i miss my friends but i don't want to go home. the independence i have here is priceless, its keeps things changing constantly and i feel like it's the only way i won't get bored. and i think, dear reader, that the underlying theme to all my adult relationships is that eventually, i want to kill everyone. muahahahha.

since i'm not a serial killer, i think its safe to assume that perhaps i've been keeping people at a distance. because if you REALLY love someone, and have to say goodbye, well..goodbye fucking sucks.

for you (i'm sorry)

something suddenly became clear to me while i was attempting to read for school and of course my random thoughts usually take precedent. plus, any excuse not to learn more law is good enough for me.

i got to thinking about the universe and circumstances. why is it that some people constantly find themselves in shitty situations? why are some people always coming out winning? the answer: because they want to be.

i mean, are we really supposed to believe that its all just random chaos? psshh. not a chance. because theres just no chance that there are some who are luckier than others, or some that are worse off (this is speaking in the greatest metaphorical sense: obviously someone who lives in a slum in cambodia is worse off than your average joe). no, i've decided that we MAKE our circumstances. everything we do, everything we've done, has gotten us where we are right at this moment.

when i think about my life and the places its led me to, when i think about the times i've despaired or the times i've been completely and utterly enthralled with life, i realize its all just a framework for today. today is all that matters. so if today sucked, thats okay. if today was awesome, even better.

there's always tomorrow.