I suppose that today was the first time I felt anxiety about the journey I'm going to embark on. With everything that's been happening, I havent had a moment to breathe let alone think about the fact that I am plunging full force into an unknown land. Until now I haven't had a moment's hesitation about it and have seen it only as the beginning of the adventure that is my life. but after being asked for, oh, about the hundredth time, "And you're going there completely by yourself?" the paranoia crept in and those unfamiliar feelings permeated through my usually chipper exterior and made me feel...just uuugghh.
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling the need to escape from the routine you've set for yourself in order to find your actual self, the person you know is in there but lying dormant in the face of responsibility and obligation and everything adulthood. most of all, i HATE it when someone tries to tell me how dangerous it is what I'm doing and where I'm going. Dangerous? I grew up in one of the murder capitals of the world. Danger is at every corner--if you're oblivious to it, you're that much more likely to run into it. I also hate it when someone just cant seem to wrap their head around the fact that yes, I am going alone, and yes, it's just because I feel like it. No, I don't have family there and no, I've never been to Buenos Aires. Little do they know, that's all part of the appeal.
there's a handful of people i'm going to miss, but the beauty of the relationships I have with these people is that no matter how far away we are or how much time passes, nothing changes, and when we reunite it will be as though we never missed a beat. I'm not afraid of the change thats certainly going to happen, because the only constant thing in life is change and there's something really comforting about that to me. and though there's so many wonderful things about this magic city that is permanently part of my soul, I don't think I can stand even another week here without wanting to kill someone. Or possibly doing so accidently with my vehicle, the very bain of my existence on this planet.
today i said out loud, admitted to myself and the people in my company, "I don't think I know anything about anything." And up until I said that, I think a part of me thought I knew a whole lot. certainly not everything but definitely enough to get by, and maybe even enough to teach a thing or two to someone willing to learn. But the truth is, I don't think ANYONE in my life really knows anything about anything, even the "adults" (in fact, some of THEM are worse off than twenty-something me!)
i'm certainly uncertain, i don't know anything about anything, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
